Never say “Never Again”

Its coming up on two years since I left for Nepal and not a day goes by where I don’t think about some portion of that trip and climb. The people, the environment, the views, the pain. There were moments of intense fear and awareness while passing through the Khumbu Ice Fall. There were moments of peace as I watched the sun rise and fall over some of the most stunning mountains I have ever seen. I spent sleepless nights recoiling from the pain of coughing with a broken rib and severe respiratory infection. I spent days reading books and sharing stories with some of the best people I’ve ever met. It was only two months but it contained a lifetime’s worth of living.

I would not change a single decision made during that trip as I am here now to write this blog. A good mountaineering decision, much with all good life decisions, should never be second guessed. We prepare ourselves, continually evaluate the situation and circumstances, and do the best we can with the information at hand. We do this so we can continue to do the things we love. The passion, effort, dreaming, and excitement that go into our pursuits are what make them worth pursuing.

Over the past two years I’ve given myself the time to enjoy some of my other passions. I’ve gotten back into flying, something inspired by my grandfather. The freedom of the air can be as powerful as the freedom of the hills. I also tended to a garden for the first time and enjoyed some mild success. Not surprisingly, the literal fruits of my labor quite enhanced the flavor of the peaches, okra, corn, and tomatoes I was able to harvest. I’ve also enjoyed mountain biking, rock and ice climbing, and have taken several trips who’s main purpose did not include climbing (but also some climbing).

Its been a good two years filled with personal, professional, and emotional growth. I relocated from Seattle, Washington to Durham, North Carolina. I bought a now 99 year-old house that I hope to be in when it turns 100. The floors creek and the walls are no longer square, but the “character” continues to grow. It’s a bit like the history of Durham and I feel a good connection to the city living where I do. Durham is a city of arcs. Of high highs and low lows. Of progressive times, of hard times, of stalled times, of resurgent times. Its a great metaphor for life. Time goes on. Things change while still looking familiar.

When I look in the mirror I see the same person but the lens seems to change. Two years ago I thought I had experienced enough on Mount Everest, and in many ways I did. All you have to do is read my previous blog entries to understand. However, while the mountain still looks the same, I’m wondering if I’m seeing it in a different way now. The draw is still there but it feels different than before. Its hard to explain and even if I could I wonder if the words would be wasted because you already know the feeling. I think maybe we’ve all been there in our own way. We’ve come up short on something we’ve worked so hard to achieve. We know the effort we put in and know that through external forces we just couldn’t get there.

But that doesn’t keep up down. Sometimes the experience causes up to rethink our priorities or motivation. Sometimes we change or modify our goal. Sometimes we become even more driven and decide to reach even further than before letting the lessons of prior experiences focus our efforts anew. I can’t call it validation, vindication, confirmation, or any word that would imply you are trying to prove yourself to anyone else. It comes from inside. Perhaps its best said in one of my favorite quotes. If you replace the mountaineering concept with anything worthwhile that you’ve ever wanted to achieve I think you will agree:

You cannot stay on the summit forever; you have to come down again. So why bother in the first place? Just this: What is above knows what is below, but what is below does not know what is above. One climbs, one sees. One descends, one sees no longer, but one has seen. There is an art of conducting oneself in the lower regions by the memory of what one saw higher up.

-René Daumal

This does not mean that I am going back. Nor does it mean I’m not. But the idea is there and I can no longer honestly say: Never Again.

Author: upwithwes

A blog about going high places. View all posts by upwithwes